The Renoculous Misadventures of the Hilton Sisters

...or, "How I Spent My Spring Non-Vacation in the Biggest Hellhole West of Kearns" (Autobiographical.)

I'll preface this by stating that my ICEA class was AMAZING, and I wish it could have lasted a full week. I met some awesome women, and I was inspired and encouraged by my peers and instructors alike. Especially Connie Bach, who is so entertaining and dynamic... If I can teach my classes with half as much enthusiasm and soulfulness as she teaches hers, I will feel truly blessed. She planted a seed in my brain that is flourishing daily with ideas and possibilities and dreams of my future. I never thought I would have an entrepreneurial spirit, but the goals I've set for myself are pretty outstanding, and I'm just itching to get started and make something happen. I couldn't be more thrilled with this career path and the opportunities for joy and knowledge that it holds. GIRL POWER TO THE RESCUE!!!

However, I'd sooner gouge my eyeballs out with a rusty staple-puller than spend another minute in Reno. Ever been? No? Go roll around in some pig feces and consider yourself Reno'd.


SO. Let's make some lists, shall we? I like lists. Apparently. (by the way, you don't have to read this. It's my blog and I'll ramble if I want to.)

List #A (yes, I said number. shut it.)
Good Stuff:
1. Got to spend some quality time with my sister. We talked and sang and laughed and cried and overall had a great time together. This is a precious thing.
2. My ICEA class, which was AMAZING. As previously indicated.
3. Food. I like it.
a. On Friday night, we went to dinner with some of the girls at a place called Silver Peak Grill & Brewery. I got this barley-crusted chicken sandwich with bacon and avocado that was TO DIE FOR. We also harassed some waiters and laughed at the guy by the bar wearing white pants. Are we a sailor?
b. Later that night, we spent at least an hour ogling the dessert case at Tavoli Gardens in the Emerald (? i think) casino. I'm still salivating over the "Suicide Pie" made from a flourless chocolate torte layered with chocolate cheesecake, buttercream icing and rum ganoche. The real killer was the caramel pecan cheesecake, which, in my opinion, had to have been dreamed up by God himself. THIS SHOULD GROW ON TREES.
c. We don't have Jack In The Box in Utah, so it was a treat to experience their steak sandwich. Becky really liked it and we lunched there more than once. (Except for this one time when they closed while we were in the drive-thru. see list B, item 6)
4. New gal pals. There were some awesome ladies in my class. Everyone was so nice. After dinner on Friday, Becky and I strolled around downtown with Rachel and Veronica, and we had a ball. Becky, as always, was the life of the party and saved me from looking like a complete loser. I can handle being cool by association. I fear it's the best I can do.
a. Rachel (who is a L&D/OR nurse) dropped a utensil on the floor at the restaurant, and promptly picked it up to use. I know. So, by way of teasing her about it, I said, "remind me never to go into your operating room." Well! Did she have stories. The floor of a restaurant is nothing compared to a hospital floor. Nothing that touches a hospital floor is ever used. Nothing. Ever. With the exception of... Rachel's birth control pills. "I'll eat my birth control pill right off the operating room floor. Even if it falls in bloody poo. I'll dive right in after it. Tongue-first, if necessary." Rachel's really not ready for more kids, I take it.
b. Veronica just had to get her picture taken with some policemen, because she's a "Reno 911" fan. We met some cops outside the movie theater who agreed to pose for a picture with her. (the rest of us at first were like... "awkwarrrrrd!") The old dude cop was concerned about looking "dorky" in the picture (which was hilarious, btw), and the young dude cop was busy trying to stand up tall and not look like a little boy, which he kinda was. It was cute.
5. The sunset on the way home.
6. John got cuter when I was away. It's true.


List #B
t3h sux0rs:
1. The hotel. 'member how I said I had booked a nice room at a nice place? TURNS OUT that even though the room was booked through the swanky high-rise "Atlantis Resort & Spa," our actual room was part of an ancient crap motor lodge (read: used-to-be-a-Motel-8) NEXT DOOR to the casino, behind a half-vacant, falling-apart strip mall. Mind, I paid casino-room price for this dump. There was nothing resorty or spa-like about it.
a. ghetto room keys. the size of my hand and like lead in my pocket.
b. beds made of cardboard. or box springs posing as mattresses, take your pick. I still have not caught up on the sleep I lost.
c. scary low-flow toilet. it cowers in the face of wee. hold the handle, then flush again. no? ...and again.
d. do the lights even work? AFTER ABOUT 10 MINUTES, yes.
e. is there hot water? AFTER ABOUT 10 MINUTES, yes.
f. heater blows cold air.
g. billowy shower curtain liner that WILL NOT STAY THE H-E-double-hockey-sticks OUT OF MY WAY. And a fabric shower curtain liner? Hello, flooded bathroom floor.
h. each of us had looked forward to a long hot bath. but that bathtub? sick. ...sick.
i. housekeeping. ah, housekeeping. What part of a dead-bolted door and a "Do Not Disturb" sign do you not understand? IT'S 8:0O IN THE MORNING. On Saturday, when I was in class all day, they harassed Becky until she went out of her mind. We also had a cryptic, unintelligible message on our phone, presumably from housekeeping, wondering if they could come in and clean.
j. parking was heinous. Heinous rhymes with anus. We had this iiiiitty bitty little parking lot around the back of the motel, and the parking stalls were only barely as wide as the wheel base of a standard family-size car. I am not kidding. There's minimal backing-up room too, so positioning your car is a real picnic. And what happens once you claim your spot? You can't exactly open your car doors. JUH.
k. $3.00 per day "energy surcharge"?
l. $26.00 per person for the buffet. TWENTY-SIX DOLLARS. (no, we didn't eat there.)
m. I want my $6.00 back. Stupid penny-slots.
2. Everything is run-down and closed down. People live and work here? WHY.
3. It stinks.
4. It's dirty.
5. Construction EVERYWHERE.
6. Figuring out where you are while driving around Reno is like playing Where's Waldo with the street signs. Dear Reno, pick a place for street signs, and use it. m'kay?
7. Everything closes early. EARLY-early. (p.s. I live in a smallish farming community in Northern Utah, and we have 24-hour drive-thrus; even Wendy's is open til 2:00. Reno claims to be a "party" spot, but it closes at midnight. or earlier. We went to find dinner, and 2 drive-thrus completely SHUT DOWN while we were in line! The 3rd one let us order, but then turned the lights off after we pulled to the window. WHAAAAAAAT?!)
8. NINE DOLLARS FOR A MOVIE TICKET AT 3:00 IN THE AFTERNOON.
9. $3.10/gallon for gas. oh yeah, and it wasn't even 11pm, and the gas station was already closed.
10. The casinos were so crowded, you couldn't even walk through them. I think there was a chain-smokers' convention going on. sick.
11. I couldn't go anywhere without getting lost. And I despise getting lost. Hate it with the fire of a thousand suns. It took us a full hour to get back to the hotel after our evening on the town. And we were less than 5 miles away. I take responsibility for my poor sense of direction, but I place a lot of blame on the abundance of one-way roads, construction and poor street signage.
12. this list.