Burninated (letter to a friend)

[hugs] I'm okay. Dealing with a BFN though. I got my period yesterday, which I knew would happen. I'd already deduced that I wasn't pregnant and I had a good cry about it earlier this week. Even though I'm really disappointed, I understand there's a good reason. We'll keep trying.

My family got together yesterday for a vacation of sorts. We went to the lake and had a great time. It was PERFECT weather and the water was divine, but I got a wicked sunburn on my back, so I am hating life right now. Hollie stayed with Elaina yesterday. She still can't leave her side. I don't blame her. Elaina is doing a little bit better lately, which is truly miraculous. Still not out of the woods but showing signs of improvement, so it's encouraging.

I was called away from the beach early because a local doula who was on call as a back-up was recovering from a cold, and she wanted to know if I could cover for her, as the main doula was out of town (hi, I was out of town, too!). Mama was in early labor and would likely need support that night. Back-up doula had already called another doula in town, who couldn't attend either. I knew this couple and had met them a few times but I could tell the mom did NOT like me. I was not surprised (relieved, even) that they didn't hire me. It kind of stressed me out that I might have to be her doula, because I didn't want to ruin her labor. The back-up doula called me again about an hour after our first convo and said she was feeling a bit more energetic and would go and be with mama for a while, and she gave me mama's home phone and cell phone numbers. (Back-up doula has no cell phone. I've told her a thousand times that she needs one if she's going to be a doula... but she's been a doula for over 10 years and doesn't see it as necessary. I digress.) She asked me to call mama's phone after 6:30 to see how things were going. (Why she refused to call me is a mystery.) Naturally, I got the answering machine when I called mama's. I was as sweet and apologetic and comforting as I could be on the message I left, but I knew I wouldn't get a return call. An hour later I called again, and left another voice mail. I felt terrible. AND I'd been totally wiped out by playing in the heat, getting sunburned, and enduring the joys of cycle day 1. I was spent. It was my first time as a doula when I wanted nothing to do with a birth. I gave up and went to bed (cell phone in hand) and slept fitfully, but never heard a thing. I feel SO guilty... what if this mama needed a doula and I wasn't there for her? should I have gone to the hospital? I don't even know where she lives, but I suppose I could have tried harder to get in touch, although it felt AWFUL calling when I knew she was in labor. ughhhh.... I guess I'll find out in time. I worry about my relationship with this other doula, and I worry about tarnishing my reputation by flaking out on this family. I know I shouldn't let it get to me too much, as I was a "last resort" but I still can't help feeling like I messed up in some way. GAH.

Oh, and also? I can't get a hold of my last client. She had her baby on June 30th. She is not returning my calls. I haven't had very many opportunities to visit with her yet, but I want to bring her the birth story and a gift, and I need to pick up some books and my birth ball. I'm so paranoid that I've turned them off in some way. What if something has gone wrong? The birth was traumatic (this was the forceps + epis) and I'm so afraid for mama's recovery. What if they feel abandoned or something? I wonder sometimes if I'm really cut out for this. It stresses me out so bad.

Having a dumb day so far, hardly slept and it's freezing cold in my office. John and I are going to a concert tonight and staying with family this weekend and I haven't even packed. Dontcha love it.