Stress sucks (letter to a friend)

Stress sucks! I obsess over Elaina and it doesn't help that I'm not in close contact with my family. I'm in the same state but about 85 miles away so I can't visit often. On top of working on my doula and CBE certs and community outreach, I also work 40+ hours a week at an office job that sucks my will to live. John will be starting full-time university classes in the fall. We keep saying things will pick up, and I know there are tons of families with crazier schedules than ours and they seem to manage fine. I'm still really hoping for a BFP this month, but I won't even bother testing for at least another week. We weren't exactly able to take advantage of every baby-makin' opportunity, so I won't be surprised if I'm not pregnant this month. Sometimes it's all I want, and sometimes I'm so frazzled, I wonder if I even care. Ever get that way?

I just attended a downer of a birth yesterday. Mama asked for an epidural when she got to about 8cm. It had been a long day and she was refusing fluids. (don't know why) As soon as the epi went in, her BP tanked, baby's HR tanked and they had her on oxygen and IV fluids for the next 2 hours. Internal EFM, bladder cath, the works. She was put into stirrups and started to feel pushy, but her contractions stopped when doc "set up shop" with his hand inside her forever (ARGH!), "nudging the baby" to get a stress response. (She was miserable and terrified, no wonder ctx disappeared.) Ctx were about 5 min apart (they had been less than 1 for a while) and doc made her push with each one. she had no urge to push, doc threatened section, which "encouraged" her to push harder, but doc used forceps and cut a huge epis (she ended up with a 2nd degree internal tear), mom was beside herself and not even very happy that her baby was born. It's hard not to feel responsible, like I should have done more for her and maybe she wouldn't have asked for the epidural. but I think in the hospital it's so tempting for moms to seek the medical treatment because it's so available, and she had told me months ago that she was keeping that option open. Anyway, it was my first epidural, first forceps, first episiotomy. I feel like a failure. frickety-frick-frick-frick. :(
I'm thrashed, and going to bed.