6 Weeks

You know... *sigh*
It's easy to have great intentions of posting updates about our life and how it's changing, and how Bean is growing, but there really aren't enough hours in the day. I look on in bewildered awe at anyone who can blog during the first year of their child's life. How do you do it? Because I can only steal a few minutes here and there when I'm not otherwise taking advantage of my personal time (dishes, laundry, meals, bathroom breaks, etc.) to get online, and usually the baby's in my lap or perched in one arm and typing is unthinkable. (In fact, right now, he's sleeping on a makeshift nursing pillow on my lap and I can barely reach the keyboard.)

Long story short (rather, really long story abridged):

I'm still working on my birth story. I have a lot of emotions to process about that day. I have NO regrets about having a homebirth, but let's just say it didn't go down the way I envisioned or really even expected (even though I thought I had prepared myself for just about anything). I labored for 36 hours (12 hours of latent, 24 hours of the big stuff) and pushed for nearly 3. I was utterly exhausted and have never felt more drained or traumatized. Yes, I said "traumatized." It's hard for me to even type that, but at least I'm at a point where I can admit it. It's taken me 6 weeks to feel good about Bean's birth, and it may take me 6 more to write it all down. I guess I feel that being a doula -- i.e. typically very "pie-in-the-sky" about pregnancy and childbirth in general -- opens me up to more than my fair share of judgment and criticism when I talk about my own birthing experience being difficult. People are so happy to hand out the "I told you so"s, and it dampens any glimmer of joy I might have otherwise retained in the memory of that day. Probably the biggest and most significant day of my life. Maybe I should just be more careful about whom I share it with, but the majority of the judgment and criticism right now comes from myself.

I just need more time.

The past 6 weeks have been a jumble of sleep deprivation, painful recovery, and blissful moments of falling in love with this little person we created. Adjusting to parenthood is quite the process, and we're taking it one bite at a time right now. I can go from feeling like a million bucks one moment to a crying mass of nerves the next, which is hardly unheard of. Bean is still in his "eat-sleep-poop" phase, so there's not a whole lot to talk about yet, but we do take lots of pictures when we have our wits about us to grab the camera.

Here's our newest sampling:

This was taken on my birthday, wearing his Halloween costume. We couldn't get an awake picture of him in this.

This was Halloween, wearing the skeleton shirt he got from Aunt Jaime.

LOL. ("I'll get you, my pretty.... And your little dog, too!")

Just finished eating, all cuddled up in his jammies.

Saving the world is exhausting. (Thanks to Auntie Tracey for the awesome shirt!)


Bean is fascinated by the artwork hanging on the wall above our sofa. He's constantly gazing up at it and I didn't want to forget how cute he is when he does it. :) He's been this alert and attentive since day 1!

I love this "bowling ball swaddle" that my midwife taught me. If you can get him bundled up in it while he's calm/drowsy, he'll sleep like this for hours. HOURS. It's a miracle.

Cuddled up on Dada. Now that John is back to work, he doesn't get lots of Father-Son time. I love this picture. :)

This close-up is to show off Bean's bed-head. It cracks me up!!! LOL :D