Baby hungry

So, I don't know if it's just my hormones raging, or all of the studying, reading, teaching, doula-ing I've been doing, or maybe my biological clock is just ticking louder and louder these days, but I'm DYING for a baby.

John and I have talked about when to re-start our TTC journey, and he's okay with starting soon. I've tried to tame the overwhelming baby fever over the last couple of months, but yesterday, I just came right out and said it. "I want a baby. Now." DH's response? "Sweet, let's do it." (LOL) But there's a lot going on in our life and it's hard to know what time is a good time to start. KWIM? It seems there are so many reasons to put it on hold, but we're ready, and that kind of makes those other reasons seem insignificant. Like... okay,

1. I need to lose weight first, but I've been working on that for like... well, forever. How much harder do I have to work? I eat right, I exercise, I never get sick (knock on wood) and I try to take care of myself. I'm generally in good health. Maybe I'm just meant to be a fat girl and I should get over it. Why should being a plus-size mama deter me? I wouldn't see it as a deterrent to anyone else.

2. John is going back to school in the fall, and he's been unemployed since January. Are we financially ready to start a family? (His summer job income is all going to be put away to pay for a midwife. We have no health insurance and an OB is out of the question unless absolutely necessary.) I know there are families who are worse off than we are, and LOTS of university students with young kids and they all seem to manage just fine. I know we could do that, too.

3. My sister's baby is in fragile health, and we've been waiting for her to be "safe" before we TTC again, out of respect for my sister. Elaina's up for another surgery in a couple of months. If (and it's a big "if," but it looms large) Elaina didn't make it, my sister might never forgive me for getting pregnant or having a baby right away. And I wouldn't blame her. But I can't wait forever, and what's wrong with being optimistic for Elaina? Hollie says she's supportive, and I can't put my own family on an indefinite hold over a "what if" just to potentially spare her feelings (I think I'm being overly paranoid here, but I feel very protective).

4. I'm not getting any younger. (I'm not old, by any means, but time keeps tickin') I guess it's a good thing that I never imagined myself with a big family, because it's less and less likely as the years go by. John is quite a bit younger than me (shut up) and I don't think he feels the very real "call of the clock" and the urgency of it all like I do. He sometimes forgets I'm not in my twenties. (Just because he is. pshhh. I don't get to have any more birthdays until he catches up to me. It's the law.) (I love you, baby!)

5. I've had 3 miscarriages in a row. On the one hand, I'm ready to turn myself into a walking science experiment until we get one to stick, but on the other hand, I'm so afraid of wanting it too much, because it only hurts that much worse when you lose something you're emotionally invested in. (But how can you not be emotionally invested in your children?) *le sigh*

I'm just thinking out loud here, but I guess I could use some encouragement that it's as good a time as any to start TTC, to hang in there when the going gets rough, some advice on getting our next baby to stick, etc.

I'm a bundle of nerves. (yeah, I know that doesn't help.) :(