27 Weeks

What a week.

In my scramble to tie up loose ends at the office AND find a new job (or at the very least, figure out my employment/income situation), I've been on what seems to be a never-ending emotional roller coaster. I haven't been eating as well as I should be, I'm not sleeping, I'm sore, I'm finding myself dehydrated a lot (my bad), and although I should be excited about embarking on my third trimester (THIRD TRIMESTER, BABY!!!!), I'm more nervous now than ever before. Not nervous about giving birth, just nervous about getting through this final stretch with my sanity intact, worried about making ends meet, worried about how it's all going to fall into place once Bean arrives. It wasn't supposed to happen this way. We started this pregnancy feeling ready for anything, sure that it would all fall into place. John would get a summer job so we could pay for our midwife and buy necessary baby gear, I would work until the bitter end, John would take fall semester off from school to work through my maternity leave, I would return to work in December and life would continue from there according to Bean's needs and our new family dynamic.

But none of it is happening that way. John wasn't contacted by any employers for over six weeks. We haven't been able to pay our midwife a dime yet. John's new job, despite being temporary to start, was going to kick-start us into a more comfortable financial situation. But on his 2nd day at work, I got my 2-week notice. We were going to be able to provide everything for our child -- maybe not the best or newest or fanciest of everything, but the essentials -- and now I feel like we're failing at this before we've even begun.

I may have mentioned that I wasn't so sad to leave my job as I was to lose the income. As a contract/temp employee for the past 2 1/2 years, I can't say I ever felt I had job security, and the fact that they wouldn't (or couldn't) hire me on as a permanent employee with benefits didn't make it any easier to schlep myself in there every morning. I'd been growing weary of this job for some time, and had been looking around for something new months before I actually got the axe. Despite being rescued into an "invented" position last summer, I had run out of work to do and worn out my welcome there. I felt invisible, stuck in the darkest corner of the most remote location in the office, and spent most of my time doing busy work for other departments and waiting for people to approve the projects I'd put together for them. There was no real routine or structure, and it was quiet and slow-going. I don't bore easily, but it was boring. I hate being unproductive, so in a way, leaving this job was not a horrible thing, "career"-wise (it's hardly my career of choice, and a dead-end job, to boot). I was already prepared to leave this job sooner rather than later, and was not about to let the door hit me on the way out.

What I was not prepared for, however, was an outpouring of support from my co-workers. And not even people I know all that well. People I'd last spoken to over a year ago, people I rarely see, people who wouldn't recognize me in the street (nor I them). On the day I got "the news" from my boss, a certain lady from my former department happened to be just outside the room and quickly deduced what had just gone down. She followed me back to my desk and we talked about my new situation. At the time, I was still reeling from this information and hadn't really weighed the gravity of it all, but I do remember thinking (and perhaps saying), "I don't know what I'm going to do." (It wasn't until later that day, when I had to break the news to John, that I really began to panic.)

Well, this lady is a saint. She took it upon herself to spread the news around the office and she started up a collection for me. During this week I received not only notes and e-mails with resources for employment opportunities (for me and for John), financial assistance and words of encouragement, I was literally bombarded with gifts and donations. The magnitude of this outpouring is hard to even describe, and I still have a hard time putting words to the emotional reaction John and I had when we first sorted through it all. I never knew people could be so generous. To say we are humbled and grateful is a huge understatement. We couldn't believe all the amazing stuff we were given. It took a massive weight off my shoulders, just to know that we now have blankets, socks, undershirts, diapers and personal care items for Bean. We were given gift cards and pantry items. A group of ladies from the office is even putting together a new quilt (I've seen their work; they're artists). I also have it on good authority that this is not the end of the goodwill being extended to us. It's overwhelming. I cried A LOT this week.

If I don't find a job right away, we'll be fine. It was painful to come to this conclusion, and I really have to swallow my pride, but staying home during my third trimester might be a good option, even though it's really hard to admit it. It won't be easy, and I still have to work out a few kinks, but it doesn't feel like the end of the world anymore, and for that, I couldn't be more grateful.