Come listen to a story 'bout a bean named Bean...

So. First things first:

Six weeks until my due date! SIX. WEEKS.

FOUR WEEKS until we're officially "full term."

Holy crap, you guys. :O

Do you realize what this means? Do you? I'm going to be a mom. John is going to be a dad. We're going to be parents. Forever. Excuse me while I go throw up for an hour.

I still get pretty emotional when I imagine that first moment of holding our baby, looking into his eyes, hearing his little voice and seeing his tiny fingers and toes. I even get a little choked up when I see other babies out in public and I look at the moms and realize, "That's going to be ME." BUT... making this transition is really hard. I'm sure everyone goes through this, but nobody ever talks about it. It's so easy to feel alone in this sentiment, even though I KNOW it's not just me, but... I'm freaking out.

There. I said it. I'm freaking out. I've never been a mom before, and even though I've wanted this for so long, even though John and I planned for this and dreamed about this and expected this for ourselves, and even though I know stepping into the parenthood role comes naturally to just about everyone, I'm pretty terrified of making this big giant leap from what I am now to what I will become in a few short weeks' time. Maybe you think I'm being melodramatic. Maybe you think I'm overthinking it or dooming myself to stress, disappointment or failure. Maybe you don't think becoming a parent is scary, and I say... maybe you've never been there. I know it's normal to feel these things, but knowing it's normal doesn't make it easier. (Pregnancy hormones definitely don't make it easier.) Just saying out loud that I'm afraid of becoming someone I've never been before seems to take the edge off somehow. So I'll say it here, in the safety of my own blog, and just hope that anyone who reads it doesn't judge me too harshly.

I must say that, despite my "textbook knowledge" of pregnancy and childbirth, when I take away all the predictable and mundane aspects of it all, MY pregnancy has been unpredictable. (Isn't everyone's, though?) I'm pretty amazed to see how it's turned out for me. I know "what to expect" but it's like spinning the Wheel of Fortune; where's it going to stop? what's underneath the prize card today? what if there are no "R"s in the puzzle, and what if I don't want to buy a vowel?

I really lucked out that I didn't get very bad morning sickness. My blood pressure has been perfect all along, my iron stores are high, my glucose levels are great, my baby is growing and thriving and I haven't even had (many) painful Braxton Hicks contractions. Pregnancy can and should be a normal, healthy part of human existence. But knowing what I know, I know not everyone is this lucky. Yes, the growing pains and sleepless nights are par for the course and so commonplace they're hardly worth mentioning. I was feeling pretty average until a couple of months ago when I started to get this unrelenting pain in my pubic bone, which lead to persistent pain in my crotch, hips, lower back, butt and legs (including a return of the dreaded sciatica). I explained it away as "loosening joints" or "baby's position in my pelvis" and I just chalked it up to "one of those things that everyone gets" and tried to carry on with my life. But a few weeks ago, it got to the point where I was so miserable, so exhausted, so uncomfortable, and in so much PAIN that I could barely function. I absolutely fell apart. How could I be such a wimp about something so predictable, so normal and commonplace? Other women can walk without waddling, other women can put their pants on without screaming out in agony, other women seem perfectly comfortable and at ease with sitting down/standing up/bending over/moving their legs/lifting small objects/rolling over in bed/using the toilet/climbing stairs/getting in and out of the car/living their lives at 7-8 months pregnant... why do *I* have to fail so catastrophically at this? I was beside myself. I didn't know how (or if!) I was going to make it. John got an earful about it every day (bless him! he is my rock), but I was afraid to say anything to anyone else, because the fear of judgment and exposure of my weakness was just as hard to bear as the physical torment itself. (Hi, I'm pregnant and hormonal. What do you expect?)

I went to my chiropractor, who confirmed my suspicions that I have SPD (click the link or look up "Symphisis Pubis Dysfunction" to learn more), and even though SPD is no picnic, what a relief to know that it's not actually "just one of those things." I felt so validated.

I promised I wasn't going to complain about my pregnancy, because we went through an awful lot of heartache to have Bean, and he is worth any amount of drama or trauma I have to endure, but... SPD bites the big one, and anyone who suggests that I'm overreacting or that it's not a big deal will have to answer to me.
And they'll be sorry. >:(

And as happy and elated as I'll be to greet my new baby, I'll be just as happy to be rid of this wretched affliction once and for all (assuming I'm one of the lucky majority for whom symptoms resolve after delivery). (The jury's still out on whether I can commit to enduring this in possible future pregnancies. Maybe Bean will have to be an only child. Yes kids, it's that hideous.)

So, that's the majority of what's been going down these past few weeks (other news will have to go in a separate post. This is long enough). Bean is growing and growing. I can feel him getting stronger daily, and we are having a BLAST communicating with him. Bean LOVES to hear his Dada's voice, and we fall deeper in love with him by the minute. He's just so cute, I can hardly stand it.

No new belly pic for today. Bean is naughty and refusing to stay in an anterior vertex position for longer than a few hours at a time, so I have a "top-heavy" baby bump which I don't find very attractive at all (p.s. it hurts, too!). Also, I feel like crap most days, so getting myself photo-ready is really pushing it. Still, I'd like to have a visual record of this, so... ehh, maybe later.

Thanks fer playin'. :)