Week 20

Monday, May 11, 2009 (19w3d):
I had my first Mother's Day! :)

John and I had a very nice weekend with his family. We drove down to Provo Friday night and enjoyed pizza and video night with the fam, and on Saturday, we went to see the new Star Trek movie (which was incredibly fun). During the movie, Bean was very motivated (or possibly irritated) by the loud sound effects and gave me some big giant kicks. I actually felt them from the outside this time! I grabbed John's hand and put it on my belly and he felt a couple of good kicks, too! It was exciting. :) This whole "moving baby" thing is still a new phenomenon for us, so for now I am enjoying every little thrill I get from each tiny bump, swirl, flutter, nudge, tap and roll that Bean's willing to dish out. Soon Bean will be Riverdancing on my bladder and head-butting my ribcage, but I'll take what I can get! It's been a long time coming. (I found out today that Bean's feet are an inch long! Very recently we were waiting for Bean's entire body to grow that big! This kid is truckin'!!!)

Saturday afternoon we also enjoyed some lovely chats with some long-lost friends (Janus and Jaime) who we just never get to see since we moved up North. :) I love my Ladies. :)

Sunday the family had a Mother's Day brunch together (provided by Yours Truly). We got majorly spoiled by John's family, who is so excited to welcome the first Maurer grandbaby/nibling. They gave us a SUPER CUTE baby swing and a receiving blanket, and I also got some very snazzy new maternity tops. I also got some not-so-subtle hints that they're anxious to find out the sex of the baby so they can buy some boy/girl specific baby gifts for us. :o

... Which brings us to the question of finding out whether we are growing a girl Bean or a boy Bean. We're still on the fence about doing an Ultrasound at all. Right now we're leaning toward it, even though there are quite a few good reasons to avoid it (reason 1, reason 2, reason 3, I can give you more, but you get the idea). On the one hand, we each have a family history of health issues and it would be nice to know now if we need to be prepared for a birth/neonatal "emergency" or even avoid a homebirth altogether. On the other hand, I don't want to expose a perfectly-developing, healthy baby to the potentially harmful effects of ultrasound technology and unnecessarily cause a life-altering brain injury just because I was curious. It's a controversial topic, and something John and I have been talking about for a long time, researching, trying to weigh the pros and cons and determine if the benefit outweighs the risk. Right now we feel like it's 50-50 and may end up just going with our gut feelings on it. We're conflicted and confused, so we'll bring it up with our midwife tomorrow and see what she has to say about it.

And about finding out.... *sigh* John REALLY wants to find out. But he's always been a "present-shaker" and very impatient about surprises. He couldn't even let me wait THREE DAYS to take a pregnancy test. He's so excited to find out. And who can blame him? It's exciting stuff. :)

But I still think it would be fun to wait until the birth. I'm not like John at all when it comes to surprises; the more drawn-out and mysterious and well-kept the secret is, the more delicious and exhilirating the result will be. I relish a good surprise. John can't stand the suspense. So what do we do?

We're not going to just have John find out and then keep it a secret from me. That's cruel. Our marriage doesn't work that way anyway. And never mind revealing secrets, I'm not sure John would be able to keep that secret from me for very long. And I don't want it to be that way anyway.

Besides, it's not fair for me to be a total control freak to the extent that I dictate and overpower every aspect of my pregnancy and every decision about our child. John deserves to make a fair share of the decisions and to be involved in the process, too. I get to do A LOT, just by virtue of owning the uterus. and I think it would be a sweet experience for him to get to find out when he wants to. It will give him one more connection to his baby and give him more opportunities to be involved, which is a very appealing outcome of finding out.

So we'll see.

In other news, I found out that my parents sold their house and will be moving back to Utah this summer! I'm so excited!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE MY PARENTS!!!!!! :) :) :) :) :)


Tuesday, May 12, 2009 (19w4d):
Just got back from an awesome appointment with our awesome midwife. :)

Bean is doing GREAT and I am not too shabby myself. ;) I gained 3 lbs in the past month and my uterus is HUGE (although I still don't have my big round baby belly yet! come ON!). Blood pressure is beautiful. Pee is perfectly pee-like. ha. In all, no complaints or worries!

We talked to our midwife about the ultrasound and our concerns. She pretty much agreed that it can be risky, but it needs to be our call. She said that she refers all her moms who want ultrasounds to an imaging clinic in Salt Lake City, because the technicians there are highly-skilled, patient, informative and respectful. They're the best in the state at what they do; they will address our specific concerns and do everything they can to educate us on the process and do only what WE feel is necessary and prudent. It was encouraging to hear that, so with the glowing recommendation from our midwife and the assurance that if we do want the U/S, it is worth the drive to go to this place and get it done properly, we decided to set up an appointment for our 20-week ultrasound next Monday. (*deep breath*) (*sigh*)

I was reading a news story today about the latest threat to child safety in the home, and I've kinda started to panic about all the hazards lurking around our house. I just imagine Bean pulling a bookshelf over onto him/her self, and I throw up in my mouth a little. I also read about toxic chemicals in crib mattresses and flame-retardants, carseat recalls, toy recalls, food allergies, vaccine injuries, child predators, the list goes on and on and I wonder how in the world I'm going to manage to keep my kid safe and alive. I drive through the cutest neighborhoods on my way to and from work and I daydream about owning a house someday, but "not on this street, there's too much traffic," or "not here, it's too close to the train tracks," or "not here, it's too close to the river," and I get panicky all over again. I know it's totally normal to get emotional and panicky during pregnancy, but I need to know that this parenting thing is doable. can I do it? gah.


Thursday, May 14, 2009 (19w6d):
I can't believe we are halfway there! Funny how time perception messes with your head. On the one hand... THIS IS TAKING FOREVER! 20 more weeks? That's a million!!! But it also feels like it was barely a week ago that John and I were snuggled up in bed staring at the line on that pregnancy test together (him: giggling and weepy. me: deer in the headlights).

I've been reading a discussion in an online mommies' forum about "the craziest/dumbest stuff people have said to you about parenting." There are some doozies out there! Some are really just ridiculously ignorant (i.e. one mama was told by a friend that she shouldn't go swimming while pregnant because she could drown the baby), some are devastating (one mama's mother-in-law snatched her newborn from her arms and refused to give him back as he cried because "he's manipulating you; he needs to learn that he can't depend on you for everything."), others are just plain infuriating (strangers coming up to mamas in the store and criticizing them for having "so many" children or assuming "you must be so unhappy with another boy;" people claiming that breastfeeding your child will make him/her gay (what?!); people asking if the baby was "planned;" friends & relatives demeaning a mom and dad for perfectly normal, safe and acceptable parenting practices like med-free birth, breastfeeding, sleep-sharing, child-led weaning, gentle discipline, holding your baby; doctors telling mothers to wean or formula-feed before 6 months because "he's too big" or "he's too small" or "he'll never switch to solids;" etc.) and I get so very protective of Bean, and never want anyone to touch my baby. Which, of course, is irrational, but... it's makes me angry! I wish there was a diplomatic way* to communicate to people that:
a) Just because I'm not a mom yet, doesn't mean I know nothing about babies/children (believe it or not, I've met a few!).
b) I've been fully immersed in all things pregnancy/childbirth/infancy/parenting-related for several years now. I have learned a LOT of different things and have spoken to a LOT of different parents and I have some ideas of how I want to do things, of what kind of parent I want to be, and it works for MANY people and I know it's hard work but we can do it.
c) We don't want to hear your horror stories. Having this baby is an important, happy, monumental life event for us, and we need cheerleaders, not hecklers.
d) We're both fully aware that having babies and kids is HARD WORK. We understand that our sleep habits will change; our routines will change; our marriage will change; our very outlook on the world will change; we'll be up all night with sick/fussy/playful/upset children; we'll get barfed on, peed on, pooped on, hit, scratched, bitten, screamed at; we will deal with temper tantrums, picky eaters, trips to the E.R., rebellious teenagers; our patience/stamina/nerves will be tested daily, like nothing else in our lifetime. We get it. WE'RE LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.
and e) if we want your advice, we'll ask for it. Don't criticize before you analyze. (If I have to hear, "you'll never make it," "oh, you'll change your mind," or "you say that now, just wait until it's your own kid," or "you'll see" AT. ALL. you are banished from my child for life.)

(I mean it.)

So here it is: We are homebirthing. Breastfeeding (on demand!). Co-sleeping (with a side-carred crib). Cloth diapering. Babywearing. Child-led weaning. NOT circumcizing. NOT spanking. NOT "crying-it-out." Delayed/selected vaccination schedule. Equal-partnership attachment parenting.

People don't have to like it, but I do ask them to respect that these decisions are PERSONAL and have been carefully, thoughtfully, and meticulously made. With no small amount of research, discussion, brainstorming, networking and planning on our part. If you feel like we're doing something harmful or dangerous, please at least be prepared to provide us with up-to-date, professional, scientifically-sound, evidence-based reasearch to back up your claims, and we will consider it as carefully and as thoughtfully as we considered the alternative.
Otherwise, you are kindly invited to shove it. ;)

Now, this is NOT to be interpreted as a criticism of other birth or parenting methods. Every parent has the right (and even the responsibility) to carefully examine their options, discuss goals and ideals and possibilities with their partner, trust their instincts, and ultimately feel satisfied that they've made good decisions for themselves and their family. Like I tell my doula clients: "I'm not in your body, and I don't live your life. Only YOU can determine what's right for YOU." Whether that be hospital birth (epidurals, inductions, whatever) or homebirth. Disposable or cloth diapers. Co-sleeping or crib-sleeping. Breastfeeding or formula-feeding. Attachment parenting or Spock parenting. Whatever. Do what makes you and your kids happy. If it makes you all miserable, try something else. You have to do what feels right FOR YOU. And we all have the prerogative to modify our chosen methods and evolve for any situation or any child's needs. What works one day may not work the next. What works for me may not work for you, and vice versa. I get that.

I've had years (this baby was no accident, after all) to read about and research and compile articles, books, studies and websites with what I consider to be quality, evidence-based, scientifically-sound professional endorsement for why John and I can and will parent the way we see fit. MOST IMPORTANTLY (to us), we've chosen parenting methods that best suit our personalities, temperaments, life philosophies and goals for our family. When we meet Bean, we fully expect to custom-fit any of these plans to suit his/her needs. We will all grow into it together. Nothing is written in stone. I don't need to be reminded that a baby changes everything. This baby already has.

*and since there's not a diplomatic way to say all this, I'm going to post it on MY BLOG in a hormonal, control-freak, mama-bear rant instead. And y'all can get over it. ;)