18 Weeks

Monday, May 4, 2009 (18 weeks 3 days):

Last week, Bean had a giant growth spurt! On Tuesday and Wednesday I felt like I couldn't get enough to eat. I was ravenously hungry and had 2nd and 3rd helpings of dinner. I usually brown-bag my lunch for the office, with 2 snacks, and it was absolute torture to not scarf it all down before noon. The rest of the week seemed to go off normally (appetite-wise), but I can definitely feel my belly poking out now, even if my roundy uterus isn't very distinguishable from the "fluff" around my midsection.

Speaking of fluff, I did have a minor meltdown last week about my weight gain and not "looking" pregnant yet. I've struggled with body issues for years, and on the surface I can say that I'm an HAES (Healthy at Every Size) proponent, I'm all about size-friendly consumerism (from healthcare to shopping malls), I am an avid supporter of Big Beautiful Women and the fat-acceptance movement, I can (and should) celebrate who I am and embrace my voluptuousness, but there is something wrong in my brain and I can't get over the hurdle of worrying what people think of me. It shouldn't matter. I KNOW THAT. You can tell me all day, every day that it doesn't matter what people think of me, but I've been on the receiving end of fat discrimination too many times in my life and I can't stop taking it personally and subsequently believing those lies. Why do I internalize that hatred? How can I look at other BBW's and think they're so gorgeous and they've got it going on, but I look at myself (arguably a lightweight compared to where I used to be), and it doesn't compute? I've come so far in my weight battle, but I've also fallen behind a lot, and I have never forgiven myself for that. For being human. I don't know how to get over that.

I knew when I got pregnant that my body would change. I know that I will gain weight (I've only gained like 8 lbs so far). I know that my figure will probably never be the same. I thought I could stay ahead of the majority of that by paying really close attention to food and exercise, but all that goes out the window when you're reeling from morning sickness (and all you can gag down is french fries) and don't even have the energy to brush your teeth in the morning (let alone go for a walk in sub-zero temps). And now all my insides have shifted northward, I can no longer bend at the waist, I'm frequently out of breath, my feet are swollen, my bustline has exploded, none of my clothes fit me, and rather than rejoicing in these landmarks of the pregnancy I've been wanting for so long, I feel like a failure as a human being. I can almost hear people judging me for gaining more weight and wondering what happened to me and pitying me for falling off a wagon somewhere.

But physical transformation is what happens when you're pregnant. All of it. It's normal. It's healthy. It's expected. IT'S A MAGICAL THING.

I need a lobotomy.

So... yes. All of my insides are now smooshed up under my ribs. It hurts. (woohoo!!!) None of my clothes fit me. Time for maternity clothes. (woohoo!!!) I won't be running up the stairs for a while. (woohoo!!!) I get to special-order my bras because regular stores do not carry what I need. (woohoo!!!) I tried on some maternity/nursing bras at Motherhood Maternity at the mall, and the biggest size they have was like a training bra on me. WHAT?! Am I that giant? (John is not complaining about any of this, btw.)

People have been wonderful and giving me a bunch of beautiful maternity clothes, for which I am exceedingly grateful. :) Many of them even fit my big, luscious ladies, for which I am doubly exceedingly grateful. (pun intended.) I cannot wait until I actually look pregnant and can carry this off.

Dear Bean, please keep growing big and fat like Mama and Dada, so I can show off a big round belly soon. K?

In other 18th Week news, John finally got to feel Bean moving, which was adorable. I don't know when I've seen that man so giddy. ^_^ LOVE IT! I've been feeling Bean move every day now, and it's still at that lovely point when I crave more movement. I'm noticing now that I get round ligament pain if I move too quickly getting out of bed or changing positions, and my body will not let me sleep on my back or right side for more than a few minutes. Left side it is. But, I'm normally a left-side sleeper, so this isn't too strange for me, but I do get a kink in my neck and dead shoulder every morning, which will take some getting used to. Or some fancy new pillows.

I've been reading up on cloth diapers and co-sleeping (we've decided to side-car a crib). The reality of having a baby is materializing little by little.

We're discussing having a 20-week ultrasound. I haven't had any reason to suspect a complication, but we each have a family history of health issues (John's sister and my niece, in particular), so if there's something we need to be prepared for, it would be helpful to know. It would put our families' minds at ease. Also, with my lingering "disconnect" issues (although I'm getting better!), it would also be helpful to actually SEE a human in there and know that it's growing and thriving. Whether or not we find out about Bean's "business" is still up for debate. John wants to find out, but I want to wait.

I'm interviewing with some Family Practice docs this week, in case I need any medical care during my pregnancy, or if I require a back-up for any reason. Would also be nice to have a pediatrician who's on board with our homebirth and *ahem* "alternative" parenting methods. (psh.. "alternative" meaning "the way humans have been doing it since time immemorial, with the exception of the United States in the last 75 years.")

One week until our next appointment with the midwife. I'll keep you posted.


ETA: oh, and thanks to whomever anonymously "ranked" my blog post by calling a pregnant lady a weirdo when she's already reeling from inadequacy issues and bruised self-esteem. And for not explaining yourself so I'm forced to jump to conclusions. I so needed that today. :(