22 Weeks!

Well here we are at the completion of FIVE MONTHS. Wow, wow, wow! We've surpassed the halfway point! I must say, I've been loving my 2nd trimester so far; I have much more energy, I actually feel "radiant" (I know!), my belly is finally starting to "pop" (although I still think I look more "pudgy" than "preggy"), and Bean has been growing like crazy, kicking and squirming to his heart's content. It's awesome.

I've also been surprised by some pregnancy symptoms that have begun to creep up on me already, much earlier than I expected, like swollen ankles, limited mobility, and feeling HUGE in the belly. (what belly?) It only gets bigger and better from here, folks! And this summer is going to be a long one. Hot hot hot. Oyyyy vey. It's not even June yet and I'm sweating up a storm. I'm so grateful that my office has air conditioning. And I see many cool baths in my future.

I really hesitate to admit that some of the "discomforts of pregnancy" really are uncomfortable, but I can't lie... round ligament pain hurts. I'm not as nimble as I was a month ago. I burst into tears for no reason at all. Nothing fits me anymore. There are days when my feet look like balloons about to pop. I'm self-conscious about every bite of food I put into my mouth. My legs are itchy. I've realized that I'll never have a restful night's sleep again. And nothing says "bedtime" quite like getting up to pee every 17 minutes.

But you know what? He's worth it.

I also need to confess one more obstacle that I've been overcoming in the last 2 weeks, and that is the realization that I'm having a BOY. A male offspring, you guys. Me. A SON. Who am I? Can I do this?

When we went in for the ultrasound, I can honestly say that I had no idea if Bean was a boy or a girl, and I really thought I had no preference either way. John has been saying for years how he looks forward to having a "Daddy's Girl" and he was hoping that our firstborn would be a girl. But when we saw that undeniable proof of boy bits on the ultrasound, I was truly shocked. I looked at John, expecting him to be disappointed, but he wasn't. He was thrilled. Just like every other milestone moment in this pregnancy, John was giddy and elated, while I sat there like a stunned codfish.

All I could think was, "A boy? I don't have boys. I don't know the first thing about boys! I don't even like boys! Boys are mean! And dirty! Accident-prone! Trouble-makers! Rebels! I'll go grey before I'm 40! How can I be the mother of a boy? Nnnnooooooooo!!!!!!"

I remembered back to when I was about 15 years old. I used to babysit a family of 3 very busy little boys. My brother and his friends used to torture me (sorry Greg, but... you were there, you know it's true). Boys would bully me at school. My friends' brothers were jerks. I can think of several adult males in my school/church/neighborhood/extended family who behaved like sexist pigs. I remember vowing to never have children, because "I'm going to be cursed with boys." (If I could find my old diaries, I'd show you the page where I actually wrote that down.) (btw, once I became an Auntie, I decided that I really wanted to be a mom, after all. I would teach my daughters the wonderful ways of womanhood and feminine power, see.)

When I was very little (3 or 4 maybe), my mom used to take me to visit with a family who had an entire household of boys. I remember being terrified of that place, because every time we went, someone was getting himself into trouble, gashing his head open, breaking a bone, falling off the refrigerator, fighting, rough-housing, talking back, you name it. BOYS.

As I got considerably older, I developed a kind of fear of boys and men. They didn't like me. They judged me. They avoided me. I was never good enough or cool enough or funny enough or talented enough or skinny enough. (I didn't even date until I met John 6 years ago.) I became intensely uncomfortable around men and evolved into a pretty vocal "man-hating femi-nazi" and eventually settled pretty comfortably into spinsterhood.

Boys. psh. Who needs 'em.

Then I met John. The antithesis of all the STUPID, DUMB males I'd spent most of my life either avoiding or fearing or healing my broken heart over. The Anti-Jerkboy. A boy who actually smiled at people. And wanted to talk to me. And had nice things to say. And treated me like a queen. And matched me in every way imaginable. The perfect boy.

And I need to remember that there ARE wonderful guys out there. and Bean could grow up to be like any one of them. He doesn't have to be the kind of boy I'm terrified of being a mother to, because I'm his mother. He can grow up to be just like his daddy, which would be a WONDERFUL thing. Or he can be the next Bobby Kennedy. Or Gandhi. Or Keith Olbermann. Or Bob Dylan. Or Harvey Milk. Or Albert Einstein. Or Barack Obama. Or John Lennon. (what? a mother can dream.)

And now... I'm so in love with my boy. Head-over-heels, fascinated and enchanted with my son. I wouldn't change him for anything. He is who he is, and who he will become is still unwritten. But I love him already, and I can't imagine anything will ever change that.

I'm still working on visualizing our family "picture" with a son in it, but I trust it will unfold as naturally as everything else has so far. My resistance to change can't undo any of this, and I'm taking it one step at a time. I'm getting there.

I can only think of ONE little hurdle I still need to get over, and that is shopping for baby stuff. I am drawn to the girly clothes, because they are SO STINKIN' CUTE. Boy stuff is boring. Or plastered with sports, cars, trucks, tools, more sports, military, obnoxious cartoon characters, construction, camping, sports again... all the "macho-centric" stuff that makes me shudder. what are we turning this kid into? Where's the stuff that says "this is my boy"?

John and I were lamenting this the other day. We'd just been to Walmart and had our senses assaulted by a bunch of hokey, frou-frou baby boy stuff that didn't really appeal to either one of us (although I've always liked vintage Winnie the Pooh, and we did see a few brightly-colored froggy toys and some nice, conservative/clean-contemporary things. Nothing "oh that's super-cute I must have it" like we saw with the girly clothes.) Anyway, our conversation went like this (too funny not to share):

Me: "I wish we could find baby boy stuff that actually suited our own tastes and interests."
John: "Like pizza and television!"
Me: (ROFL) "I was thinking more like cargo shorts, polo shirts, sweatpants & hoodies..."

(what, no "Daily Show with Jon Stewart" rompers at Walmart?)

seriously though. we like classic rock and video games. dragons. Snoopy. penguins and puppies. liberal political activism. *wink*
and, yes... pizza and television.

It's out there, though! Step away from the Elmo, Spongebob, and G.I. Joe, and consider this:
How GREAT would Bean look in one of these bodaciously awesome T-shirts?

THAT, my friends, gives me hope for the future of my child. And it fills me with glee. Oh yes. Glee. :D

I've been working on a "to-do list" of sorts, for things that we need to have to be ready for Bean's debut. Over the past couple of weeks, what I thought were just a "few essentials" has turned into a veritable arsenal of baby paraphernalia, some of which I wonder if we can even live without. I've spent months researching diapers and carseats and breastpumps and baby monitors and adding my favorites to our reminder/shopping list, and the list keeps growing. Crap. If we could all just stay at home in bed all day, I wouldn't need anything other than diapers, blankets and a few clothes. But I'll be returning to work full-time in December, and Bean may just have to go to daycare, and I suppose our families might want us to visit from time to time, so... carseat, breastpump, bottles, pack-n-play, diaper bag, millions of onesies and sleepers and receiving blankets... this list is endless! How are we going to do it? GAH.

SO... what started out as a list for our own personal use, became a registry. (Those super-mega-ultrahip-double-terrific onesies up there are on it, by the way.) And we don't mean to imply that we need or expect people to buy us stuff (a lot of these things we're going to hit eBay and craigslist and garage sales for)... but people have offered, and others have asked what we want, so... there it is!

(I did go a little nuts with the "theme" clothing items I found online, but they are totally frivolous and unnecessary.. just an idea of what we like.)