1st Trimester Archives - The Beginning

I didn't blog about my pregnancy until I went public at 16 weeks, but I did write about it A LOT. I'm going to cut and paste some snippets of what went on, from the very beginning, for my now-public Pregnancy Journal. (Abridged, from email conversations with my dear friend, Meghan, who is also my doula!)



Tuesday, Jan. 27, 2009 (4 weeks 4 days pregnant):

i'm 4 days late.

it could be nothing (it's been a stressful month, after all), and i don't *FEEL* pregnant, but i promised John i wouldn't test until Friday. (he's going crazy, asks me at least twice a day if Aunt Flow has arrived yet, or if i "have to pee yet." LOL) just 3 more days until i'm officially a week late. so i guess we'll see. i'm kind of expecting to get my period ANY MINUTE NOW (i.e. i'm very aware of my uterus), and i won't be surprised if i do. of course, i hope i don't, but i'm trying not to think about it. but... little things are happening and i'm just telling myself it's nothing. like last night i was craving milk. (buttermilk, actually! it's an acquired taste, i know.) i never drink milk, because i'm mostly lactose intolerant since my gastric bypass. but i bought myself a quart of buttermilk last night and made sure to take a Lactaid tablet, and OMG! it was the best milk ever. and i just now ate half of my lunch (a very basic turkey sandwich from the deli), and i feel moderately queasy. and i've peed like 6 times already today. other than that, it's business as usual, except.. well, i can't stop thinking about it. how do i stop thinking about it? it's MADNESS.

the saddest part about being a multiple miscarriage survivor is that i will never know the innocent, hopeful joy of a new pregnancy. every nano-second is fraught with worry and doubt. i can't even let myself fall in love with my own baby, just in case. and like now, when i could otherwise be wistfully wondering about someone growing inside me, i have to force myself to be prepared for it to be "nothing" so i can get back on the horse and try again. (giddyup! + yeehaw! = practice makes perfect) lol

in the meantime, i've cut back on my caffeine consumption (trying to wean off altogether! i've cut back in quantity as well) and i'm going to bed earlier so i can get enough sleep to function. I'd get more exercise if it wasn't like 4 degrees outside... but, all in good time.


Wednesday, Jan. 28, 2009 (4 weeks 5 days pregnant):

PREGGO MY EGGO

guess who got a BFP!!!!!!!!!! ("BFP" = "Big Fat Positive" i.e. positve pregnancy test)

so, last night John was really restless, and was starting to act like a little kid on Christmas Eve who just HAS to open ONE present or he will whine and complain and fuss and beg until somebody finally gives in and pees on a stick. LOL

he kept saying "whether we find out now or we find out Friday, we will still know!" i can't blame him for being annoying, because i was curious, too!

it was a very DARK positive line, btw. :D

i'll still take a test on Friday, because I'm paranoid. But i'll take a picture of that one so i can spread the joy (to select people) (someday).

I've been on herbal supplements (vitex, red clover and nettle) for 3 months, and have been taking a baby aspirin every day for almost a year now. Hopefully those two things will be what i need to keep THIS lil' one in there! (Stick, Baby, Stick!) I'm still not going to be surprised if I miscarry again (i do have pretty consistent luck with that so far), but i definitely feel different this time around so I'm letting myself be optimistic under the surface. don't want any negative vibes floating around down there, after all.

if all goes well, I'll be big-giant pregnant in the heat of the summer. won't THAT be a joy. but i don't care. as long as i'm still pregnant this summer, i will TAKE IT! i want to revel in every moment of morning sickness and pelvic pain and swollen ankles and heartburn and braxton hicks and even back labor... BECAUSE I CAN. i'm probably the only woman on earth who feels that way, but i'm looking forward to all of it! if i'm experiencing the "joys" of pregnancy, it just means that our bean is still in there and hanging on tight. I plan to love every minute of it. :)
our bean is probably not much bigger than this [@] but i already love it. it's REALLY HARD not to.

[Meghan referred to our little one as "the Maurer Bean" and I fell in love with the nickname. We've been calling the baby "Bean" ever since.]
[and for the last time -- NO, that's not our baby's *actual* name. It will get a perfectly normal, human name when it's born.]


Thursday, January 29, 2009 (4 weeks 6 days pregnant):

i was a useless wreck at work yesterday! somehow i think today won't be much better. I have TONS of work to do, but I'm so distracted.

so... i need to take this one day at a time or i'll go insane.

this morning i woke up (after a rather rough night -- hot, cold, hot, cold, tossing and turning, stuffy nose, hot, cold, BAH!) surprised that my boobs weren't sore. that's usually a bad sign. :( BUT they only started being a little tender last night, so maybe it's still too early to worry about that. maybe? aaaagh!!! i don't know! they feel a little different; kind of heavy and "puffy" but they're not sore. My last pregnancies, my boobs were so sore it hurt to breathe. and forget about sleeping. MISERY. this time... nothing. i'm trying to tell myself "that's because this time is different," but... what if it's not? THIS SUCKS. :(

what if it happens again? i'm mad. i need to separate myself from my body; it's like i can't let it be real yet. i'm excited, but i'm afraid of feeling foolish if it turns out to be just like the others. like i should have known better than to get excited over something i knew was doomed from the start.

Last night i was telling John that i think my brain is trying really hard to build a defense mechanism against loving the baby. i only think of our bean as an "it" - and so far i'm not letting it be a person. if i picture it, it's just a mass of cells -- nothing more. if it falls out, it wasn't anything anyway. the only things i'm thinking about (as far as the future of this pregnancy) are logistical things, like organizing the house and buying diapers and saving money. i haven't entertained the thought of what the baby might look like, or what sex it will be, or what we will name it. i'm planning to be pleasantly surprised if this lasts longer than 6 or 7 weeks, and i'm constantly fighting the urge to get attached. every minute, i have to be prepared for this to be over. how pathetic! my past misfortune is sucking all of the hope and joy out of this.

last night i peed on a new stick so i could take a picture of it, but my camera was being stupid. I may have gotten one decent pic, but i'm a little embarrassed about using a Wal-Mart brand pg test (lol). (it's reassuring to see that dark, bold positive line! i must have stared at it for 25 minutes.) so, as of last night (technically "5 days late"), i had a dark positive line on a pee stick. that's a good sign, right?

other "good" signs were 1: this morning, after I took my vitamins and ate some toast, I was hit by a tsunami of fatigue that about knocked me out. i was trying to climb the stairs and i had to stop. I couldn't move; I was SO tired. I was leaning on the railing as I talked to John, and I FELL ASLEEP while i was standing on the steps. it was weird. I needed to start getting ready for work but i had to go back to bed for 10 minutes first. 2: we have this orange oil air freshener in our master bathroom (i think it's called "pure citrus") that i usually really like because it's not chemical-based or perfumey and it works really well. we've used the same brand for about 2 years. last night after i went to bed, i guess John had to use the bathroom and he sprayed the orange spray. the smell woke me up -- i was positively gagging! it smelled like rotten orange peels that had been doused in kerosene and lit on fire. it was so gross. i was coughing and sputtering and choking. I felt like I couldn't breathe and the smell was so intense it was burning my throat like vomit. John couldn't understand; it was no different than any other of the million times we've used the orange spray. (and no, it wasn't "toilet" i was smelling. it was the spray.)

i still don't feel pregnant. in fact, i don't feel like "anything" today, so i'm going to take that as a good sign for now. i don't have any cramps or heaviness, so right now it's "so far, so good." trying to stay optimistic.

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(Go to Week 6, Week 7, Week 8, Weeks 9-10, Weeks 11-13, Weeks 14-17)