2nd Trimester Archives - Weeks 14-17

(continued from "1st Trimester Archives - Weeks 11-13")

Friday, Mar. 27, 2009 (13 weeks pregnant):
hoooo boy
i am SO tired. like, all the time. I can't focus on anything at work, i can't get much done at home, i just want to sit around or sleep all the time....unless it's 4:00 in the morning, then I can't sleep at all and just want to clean my kitchen. LAME.

I've decided that I still want one more midwife appointment before I announce to my family, and that's in 3 more weeks. I'm not exactly looking forward to telling people but I figure by that time it will be harder to hide, so I might as well get it over with. If I could avoid seeing people in person, I'd wait even longer. I just can't handle the attention, the scrutiny, the unwanted advice, the criticism... oh, it's making me panic just thinking about it.

The silly thing is, I'm sure my parents and my sisters will be THRILLED. Like, over-the-moon in love with this. But I just can't do it yet. It needs to be REAL first. (I'm really trying, though. John talks to Bean every day. I haven't been able to yet. I prefer telepathy. LOL) When we heard Bean's heartbeat, I kind of just sat there with my mouth gaping open. I didn't know what to think. John had tears in his eyes and the biggest smile on his face; he was SO happy. My midwife hugged me and congratulated me but I was just ...stunned. I honestly hadn't expected to hear anything. I STILL don't believe there's something growing inside of me. She showed us a little model of a 12-week fetus and it was about 5 times bigger than I thought it would be, even though I know in my brain that it should be that big by now. I just can't believe it.

I think I figured out what part of my denial problem is, and it's that I've spent SO much time studying pregnancy and childbirth and parenting, but it's ALWAYS someone else's body, someone else's baby. I just can't picture it within the realm of my OWN life. Even when I try to envision Bean, it's some formless, ethereal *concept* in front of me, outside of me -- at best, in my imagination -- and it just isn't real. That's the only way I can explain it. I kinda think too that I've been trying so hard to not get attached to Bean, to not fall in love and daydream, that I can't pull myself into reality or give myself permission to let it be real and permanent. And when I DO try to break down those barriers, I freak out. Big time. So, I'm hoping another 3 weeks will ease me into being more ready; I can tell people, I can start BEING a pregnant lady, and finally stop hiding and covering up and keeping secrets. Maybe. Hopefully.

This is so TOTALLY not how I thought this was going to happen, btw.


Mar. 30, 2009 (13w3d):
Second trimester, baby! I feel a lot better, physically. My morning sickness hasn't been as constant lately (i.e. more "off" than "on") but when I get it now, I get it about 10 times worse than I did early on. It hits me like a truck rather than coming at me in wave after wave after wave. The only thing I've found that helps me is to increase my protein and eat something every 2 hours. If I forget to keep something nibbly on my night stand or at my desk at work, I regret it!! Food doesn't gross me out as much anymore, but I still have a hard time deciding what I want to eat. (For a long time there, the only thing I could stomach was Arby's. Sad but true.)

My energy comes in waves. I actually had energy this morning; did dishes and laundry before I left for work. [This will be a nice change of pace, because my housekeeping has taken a major nosedive since I got pregnant, and John hurt his knee last week and then was sick with the flu this weekend and hasn't been able to pitch in around the house as much as usual.] The only problem is that I get BURSTS of energy like I haven't seen in months, but then I crash and burn just as hard as ever afterward. For the past 4 or 5 days I've been bounding around the house in the mornings, cleaning up dishes, doing laundry, sweeping the floor, then by the time I need to get ready for work, I'm ready for some bigtime Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..... Same thing after lunch. I'm desperate for a nap in the middle of the afternoon.

Now, if only the weather would cooperate, I would love to get out and enjoy some fresh air and exercise! (We've got a few more days of snow in store here.)

btw, I feel like my belly exploded over the past 3 days. I am definitely showing now! Not sure if I'm ready for that, but.... I don't get to choose when I show. Guess I need to start finding some transitional maternity wear.


Monday, Apr. 6, 2009 (14w3d):
So, I don't know if I'd call this a major craving, but I need limes in my house 24/7. Gotta have my lime drinks (made with lime juice, club soda, crushed ice and SALT). I also love green olives. Now that my appetite is back, I'm getting really into red meat. Pot roast, burritos, pasta sauce, grilled steak, WOW. Gimme.

I'm dying for some good fresh tomatoes. Impossible to find here at this time of year. I have a feeling as soon as summer hits, I'm going to be a tomato-eatin' fool. Just thinking about a BLT on multi-grain bread with big fat tomatoes dripping down my chin.... *drool*


Tuesday, Apr. 7, 2009 (14w4d):
I have my 2nd midwife appt next Tuesday. I'm going to ask for another Doppler scan to hear a heartbeat. I'm really not thrilled about Ultrasound and Doppler, but at this point I figure my peace of mind is worth it. Maybe if I know Bean is still in there and growing, I'll snap out of this? I know on the surface that we're technically out of the woods, and my odds of going to full-term are just about even with anyone else, but I can't seem to convince myself that I'm "anyone." This is so foreign to me. I keep having freak-outs, and "2 steps forward, 1 step back" toward any progress. I guess baby-steps are better than no steps. John is already SO in love with Bean and so excited to be a dad and so ready to shout it from the rooftops, but I have had to beg and plead and cry about keeping it a secret just a little bit longer. I'm not ready. I know I'm not the only woman in history to have zero connection to her 14-week-old fetus, but I also know that it's not entirely healthy or normal. I'm just so afraid to get attached to this kid and I haven't even allowed myself to seriously get into the IDEA of it yet. It's all daydreams and fairy stories and "somedays" just like it's always been. Why is this not real? Maybe I should go for an ultrasound so I have a tangible picture and it stops being an ethereal concept. Why does that feel selfish of me? Is exposing my kid to radiation and possible brain damage worth it? Why can't I just GET OVER IT? This is SO not how I imagined this to be. I feel defective.

No belly bump pictures yet. Any bump I might have is hopelessly buried under miles of fluff. I just look like a fatter version of myself. Sorry if this is turning into a pity-party. I should be happy. I actually feel terrific, in general, but that only makes we worry. At least the morning sickness was like a "beacon" that it was the real deal and progressing. I really want to get over this. It's so hard. It's been really rough on John but he's been so patient and supportive and helpful. I WANT to get over it. It's depressing to think about. I'm just surprised that it has turned out like this.


Tuesday, Apr. 14, 2009 (15w4d):
Today's midwife appointment went GREAT. everything checked out normal and perfect. I got to hear Bean again, bouncing around like a... well, like a bean, and it was JUST the kick in the pants I needed to get over this slump i've been in and finally let myself take this seriously. It's a little overwhelming, but THIS is what I've been missing out on, I think. We're sending out the announcement cards this week, and as soon as everyone in my family knows, i'll announce it on AllDoulas and Facebook and my blog. In fact the first card (to my parents in Nebraska) is IN THE MAIL! so there's no more excuses or waiting or turning back. THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING.

holy crap on a stick.

so i've been feeling particularly pudgy lately and getting really down on myself, but I only gained 4 pounds in the last month, and my midwife showed me how to feel my fundus (the top ridge of my uterus) and it is HUGE! no wonder my belly is pooching out so bad. yesterday I decided to switch to some of my old granny panties (no idea why i kept them in the back of my underwear drawer for so long) and it was like a friggin miracle. *ahhhhhh* I GET IT NOW.

i'm slow on the uptake, see.

I guess I'm showing! Up til now I refused to believe it. I have these lovely layers of "fluff" on top of my baby belly, see. And until my midwife showed me how to feel around for the top of my uterus, I was convinced that I was just getting fatter. But THAT'S my baby belly! I can no longer button up my pants so I wear extra-long tank tops to cover up the gap, and luckily I made good on the trendy new "empire waist" look and have a few tops that conceal the bump and the resulting "shift" of all my fluff moving upward (I think I've described this as "muffin top from hell"). The top of my uterus is about three fingers below my belly button.

I don't think I've felt Bean kicking yet. I may have sorta felt something moving around but at the time, I just thought it was gas. LOL
so today when I said that, my midwife was like.. "Lady, your intestines have moved UP HERE" (pointing to just under my ribcage) "so anything you feel down here" (baby bump) "is your uterus."

duh, Liz.

So I guess that means I have felt Bean, but I didn't know it. I'll have to pay closer attention. For now it just feels like random, tiny little gas bubbles or mini tummy rumbles. I think that's Bean. When she was finding the heartbeat with the Doppler, we heard Bean kicking and bouncing around like crazy. I didn't feel the movements, but we heard them loud and clear! She even said baby might have hiccups! Which is a good sign that his/her digestive system is up and running.

Bean is the size of an avocado!!!!! That's huge!! can you believe it?

OH! and also? when we heard the heartbeat, my midwife said, "it's a boy!" and we had a good laugh. Of course there's no way to tell by just the heartbeat, but that's her guess, and she's caught over 3,000 babies in her 40-year career so... I guess we'll see! (John really wants a girl, but we've been calling Bean "he" for a couple of months now. so who knows?)

i just ate a delicious lunch and I'm feeling very much like i just want to treat myself to a day spa. now that i know Bean is still in there, my spirits are lifted and i'm finally ready to celebrate. bring it. :P


Thursday, Apr. 16, 2009 (15w6d):
I felt Bean moving last night!
It was so weird. John had his hand on my belly and was talking to the baby. Then he said "good night" and moved his hand away and I definitely felt a very distinct "flip/flutter." It was so unusual that I gasped out loud. So John put his hand back and started talking to Bean again to see if the baby would move some more, and we waited and waited, and then John said, "aw, I guess not. Good night again, then." and Bean flipped again! WHOA. John couldn't feel it from the outside, of course, but it was pretty cool!

In three months I'm going to be begging this kid to hold still and stop using my ribcage as a punching bag. But for now... WOW!

All of our announcement cards are in the mail now! I'm so nervous about people's reactions that I can't sleep. It's because I'm a weirdo.

that's all. :)


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