1st Trimester Archives - Weeks 11-13

(continued from "1st Trimester Archives - Weeks 9-10")


Tuesday, Mar. 10, 2009 (10 weeks 3 days pregnant):
my back is feeling SOOOOOOO much better. Still not 100%, but I can sleep in my bed again (sorta) and I can get myself around in the mornings, so it's a major improvement. Chiropractic has worked wonders. Bean is well. Morning sickness has gone bye-bye, at least for the most part. I still get really queasy if I don't eat something every 2 hours, and sometimes I have to get up in the middle of the night for peanut butter toast and a glass of milk or something, but other than that (and no periods for 2 months) I have no physical reason to believe I'm pregnant right now. Is this for real? Seriously, it doesn't feel real. I think I'm imagining it. Maybe if I heard a heartbeat or something. It will be a couple of weeks before that happens, though.


Thursday, Mar. 12, 2009 (10w5d):
News at 11 -- Pregnant lady eats food she wouldn't normally touch with a 10-foot pole.‏

OK, what is UP with this wackiness? Is this normal?

so I wouldn't necessarily call this a craving, but I can only attribute it to pregnancy:
Back Story -- For most of my life (since I was 9 or 10 years old) I've had a SERIOUS aversion to seafood. Like, any fishy/swimmy/creepy-crawly/water-dwelling creature of any kind gives me the full-body dry heaves. I HATE IT.

ANYWAY. Last night I was watching TV and there was a commercial for a local burger joint (Arctic Circle) that was pitching their new batter-dipped halibut fish & chips. Out of nowhere, my mouth began to water and I swear to you I had a physical sensation of biting into this golden, flaky, batter-dipped fish and my immediate reaction was... "I WANT THAT."

I've been combatting my morning sickness with constant eating and snacking. I hate food right now. I'm never in the mood to eat ANYTHING, and usually have to force myself to eat. But THIS? This FISH is all I've been able to think about since I saw that stupid commercial. I MUST HAVE IT. I'm horrified to admit this, but... I think I might go get some. Call the press, call Guinness, because this is monumental and unprecedented. Who am I? The only thing I can compare this to is vegetarians craving meat. But... our babies need us to eat what they need us to eat, right? Right? Is there any way around it?

Bean needs fish & chips. I'm repulsed by the thought, but obsessed with getting my hands on some right now. I don't know what to do.

[For the record, I did NOT end up getting the fish. I couldn't bring myself to do it. John was out of town at the time, and I worried that I'd spend 6 or 7 dollars on a meal and wouldn't be able to eat it after all, and it would be sad to waste money like that. John does like fish, so I decided to wait for him, just in case. But by the time he got back, I was over that particular craving. The end.]


Friday, Mar. 13, 2009 (11 weeks):
John's telling his dad about Bean tonight. I can already feel myself cramping up. I'm not superstitious, I just think it's still too early and I'm worried that we'll regret announcing so soon.

We're not out of the woods yet. It could end tomorrow, for all I know.

I want to cry. :(


Tuesday, Mar. 17, 2009 (11w4d):
We heard the heartbeat today! I am still in shock. John got emotional, he was so happy and excited to hear it. My midwife hugged me and congratulated me, but I kind of just sat there with my mouth hanging open. It was WEIRD.

There's a HUMAN in my uterus.

HOLY. KWAP. @_@


Thursday, Mar. 26, 2009 (12w6d):
so, I'll be 13 weeks tomorrow and I don't know what to make of it. I keep wondering... is it real yet? We heard Bean's heartbeat last week, but I'm still a nervous wreck. I think I'm going to be a nervous wreck for the rest of my life. I don't know how to describe it, because I know in my brain that I've wanted kids for a long time, I've been through all the losses and the baby-hunger, I daydream about giving birth and taking care of a child and having a toddler and a "big kid" and teenagers, etc. But now that it's right in front of me, I can't accept it. It's not time. I don't want it. I can't do this. Not now. I'm freaked. :( I WANTED this. We did this ON PURPOSE. what is wrong with me?

I'm a horrible person. :(

I applied for Medicaid and went in for the first appointment at the county health department on Tuesday. The nurse there was a little brusque with me, and when I told her I was planning a homebirth, she about hit the ceiling. SURELY I'm not the first person through those doors who's planned a homebirth?! I hadn't *exactly* planned on telling this particular woman, but she was filling out my files and asked who my doctor was and I had to give her my midwife's name. "you don't have a doctor?!" uh.. I DON'T HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE, THAT'S WHY I'M HERE. what a shrew. her biggest "problem" was that my midwife doesn't accept Medicaid and that we're paying her out-of-pocket and why on earth would we do THAT when we can have a safe and normal birth at the hospital for free? "If you can afford a homebirth, why bother with Medicaid?" OH I DON'T KNOW, for one thing, we CAN'T afford homebirth, but are basically willing to sell our souls to make it happen. And how about, probably because if there's any reason for me to GO to a hospital for my pregnancy or birth, it will cost about 10 times more than a midwife?!!! gah. she just couldn't grasp the concept. "If I get sick, or if there's an emergency, I'll see a doctor or go to the hospital. IT'S WHY THEY'RE THERE." Oh, you never know what could happen! you know, her son was a preemie and she couldn't have possibly done that with a homebirth. uh.. WHO WOULD?! "Were you in the hospital when you went into labor?" "No, I was at home, but I went to the hospital right away." "**EXACTLY.**" [duh, duh, duh!!!!!!!!] She just couldn't get it through her skull. (This is a public health nurse?!!) Once I explained to her that I'm a doula, and I've actually witnessed a variety of hospital births AND home births and have made it my life's work to study pregnancy and childbirth and evidence-based research, so I know what I'm talking about and this is actually an EDUCATED and INFORMED decision on my part, she eased up a little bit. But she told me that I'm "VERY high risk" because of my 3 miscarriages, and that I should have had prenatal care beginning at 6 weeks because of it. She was so judgmental when I said that our first prenatal with the midwife was 1 week ago. "You should have been seeing a doctor, with your history. I would be SO worried." Why? What is a doctor going to do for me (other than poke me, prod me, drug me, violate me, expose my baby to radiation and dangerous testing, dehumanize me and stress me out for no good reason)? I can stress out for free, in the privacy of my own home, thanks! And I'm supposed to be better off under the watchful eye of some doctor? Who's ever heard of a doctor preventing or stopping a miscarriage? If it's going to happen, nothing's going to stop it, and it makes no difference if my HCP is a doc or a midwife. I'm NOT "high risk." And if I ever was, I'm not anymore. My "risk" was early term loss, but now that I've made it to 12+ weeks, my risks are pretty equal to every other woman out there. some people don't get it. my head's going to explode.

anyway. the state should be THANKING me for having a homebirth! look at all the money they're saving by not having to pay for a bunch of routine ultrasounds, IV's, EFM, rubber gloves, chux pads, instruments, hospital gowns, paperwork, anesthesiologists, nurses and janitorial staff. I'm only putting up with this B.S. right now because they'll cover my labwork and dental. I really don't even want to see a doc for anything else unless I absolutely have to. I'm not sick! why is it so hard for them to get that?

In other news, I'm trying to quit artificial sweeteners. It is BRUTAL. My midwife told me to stop drinking Diet drinks and Crystal Light (which I usually drink by the gallon). I wasn't thrilled about that, so I looked up independent studies on aspartame and Splenda and APPARENTLY i've been pumping rat poison through my veins for the last 7 years and (btw, it's a surprise that i'm pregnant at all!) my baby is now permanently brain damaged and is undoubtedly going to be a retarded/autistic/hyperactive/anti-social mutant. (According to several of the articles and "studies" that I read. Even Mothering magazine and the MDC boards have PLENTY to say against it.) Gotta love them health nut conspiracists. LOL. At any rate, despite the sensationalism and iffy studies, it's just plain not good for you, even by modest standards, so I've gone off it cold turkey. Can I just say.... GAG. I struggle with real sugar since my gastric bypass, so I only use very small amounts of unrefined sugar or honey if I need any sweetener at all, and I use fruit juice to flavor my water. It's disgusting. I have about 10 boxes of Crystal Light in front of me, and it's all I want, but I feel like I'm going to have a deformed kid if I even take one little sip of the stuff. I now have to force myself to gag down watery "juice" all day. [the drinking fountain water at the office is not that wonderful, and even though plain water is "good" I don't feel compelled to drink it unless I'm dying of thirst.] I hate this. >:(

My sciatica is 99% better. I still have little moments of stiffness and pain, but it's nothing compared to what it was. I hope I don't have to go back to the chiro. His receptionist was a VERY BAD WORD. We're desperately strapped for cash. Luckily our midwife is very forgiving and patient. She knows that we'll get the money to her soon. John's going to get a summer job, maybe even something a little more long-term. He's decided to take fall semester off so he can work while I'm on maternity leave (since I don't get paid maternity leave, I was afraid I'd have to go back to work almost immediately after the birth just so we could afford to live). I don't have any new doula clients, although I have one potential interview coming up.

Today is the first day I've had to resort to an elastic band on my jeans. I can still button them up just fine, but sitting in buttoned-up jeans all day is no picnic.

I talk too much. I'm grumpy today. :(
That's all.


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