1st Trimester Archives - Weeks 9-10

(continued from "1st Trimester Archives - Week 8")


Monday, Feb 23, 2009 (8 weeks 3 days pregnant):
Had a MINOR scare this morning when my 4:00 AM potty break revealed some brown spotting. Hardly slept a wink after that, but since then all is clear. Just the night before, I'd woken up in a sweat after dreaming about a miscarriage. NOT COOL. >:( But it was just a little bit of brown. No cramping and it hasn't returned. I'm going to chalk this one up to some Saturday-morning nookie. At least I hope so. Just in case, though... no more nookie for me until Bean is out of the woods.
I can't take the panic.

By the way, the tinctures came and I'm taking them twice a day now. They taste V-I-L-E. But I do it. For nothing else than peace of mind that I've done everything I could.

The nausea is kicking my butt. (Isn't it magical.) I talked to one midwife on Sunday and she said morning sickness is basically hypoglycemia. Good thing I discovered that I'm not sick as long as I'm eating every 90 minutes. Gag me. I hate food right now. I have new sympathy for skinny people. I always thought it was impossible to dislike food or to honestly carry on in the "eat to live" mindset. (Who does that?) But maybe skinny people are all just hypoglycemic and sick to death of constantly having to cram food down their throats. I never in a million years thought I would say that. Maybe I hope it stays that way; I wouldn't be such a fatty. ;)

Mornings are the worst and I'm perpetually late for work. So today I told my boss that I'm pregnant, and he was SO cool about it. *I* was a nervous wreck. I don't know why. I'd asked to speak to him in private but I thought for sure the whole office heard him exclaim "That's great!" when I said I was pregnant. Dude... ixnay on the appinesshay. He's probably about my mom's age, and just had a new grandbaby in his family a couple of months ago, so he's very family-oriented and supportive. It's such a relief.

Tomorrow I have my first consultation with a midwife. I have a healthy string of questions written down, and I'm so excited to get this ball rolling (if I can just decide which midwife to pick!!). I'm going to ask if a Doppler can pick up 8week fetal heart tones, because I'm SO paranoid. Maybe if I actually KNOW there's someone in there, I can start feeling optimistic. Because today... not so much.


Tuesday, Feb. 24, 2009 (8w4d):
TODAY my pregnancy has been stress-free. My only "complaint" is that I didn't bring enough food to the office with me today, and I spent my last 75 cents on a packet of pretzels like 2 hours ago and I'm feeling super-duper barfy again. Yay me.

The midwife we met today is SO wonderful and amazing. It's going to be painful to have to decide. We're meeting with another midwife on Saturday. We'll really have to stew over it after we've met with each of them, because right now I'm torn! It doesn't help that I know each of them personally and I've seen them in action (one each at the 2 homebirths I've attended as a doula), so I already feel safe and comfortable with either of them as my midwife. It could come down to money, or it could come down to travel (they both live about 50 miles away but one of them rents an exam room at a local chiropractor's office here in Logan once a week so she does pre-natals here. the other, we'd have to drive to), or it could come down to the asinine restrictions placed on licensed midwives (one is licensed, one is not), which means I could be S.O.L. if I go past 42 weeks or have a breech. *sigh*

We did ask her how soon a Doppler can pick up fetal hearttones, and she said she can usually find them as early as 8-9 weeks, but her machine was on the fritz this morning and the new parts she ordered weren't in yet. She said I could come back next week for a listen. :)

OK. i'm so going home now. totally gonna barf if I don't eat soon. bleauuuurrgh.


Thursday, Feb. 26, 2009 (8w6d):
Tomorrow = 9 weeks :O

Totally didn't see this day coming. I still don't believe it. Still half-expecting it to end at any minute.


Monday, Mar. 2, 2009 (9w3d):
MY BACK!!!! @#%$*!!!!!!

Friday morning, got out of bed, went downstairs to make breakfast. bread in the toaster, yogurt out of the fridge, teacup in the microwave, half-grapefruit in my little bowl, yadda yadda yadda... I was just quietly standing at the counter putting things together. then out of NOWHERE i felt this tight, pulling, stretching, ripping, stabbing pain in my lower back that shot like lightning down my right leg. Freaky! I tried to shake it off, but the PAIN was so intense that I felt like I was going to pass out. I shifted my weight and nearly fell over because i couldn't put ANY weight on my right leg. It seized up again and I doubled over from the back pain; I literally felt like I was being stabbed and ripped open. I couldn't hold my body up. I was seeing stars. Started dry-heaving from the pain. OH, THE PAIN. Then, I started to panic. Luckily John was still home and he helped me, but I couldn't sit, couldn't walk, couldn't do anything really. My first thought was ectopic pregnancy, but the pain was only in my back and I had no cramping or bleeding, also the shooting pain down my leg meant sciatica for sure. I called in sick to work, then called the midwife I met with on Tuesday to see if she could tell me what was going on, if I should be worried, what should i do now, etc.

So I learned it's not unheard of to get sciatic pain in early pregnancy (as the uterus grows it can put pressure on those nerves, especially if they're already aggravated. hooray), and i'm NOT pleased if this is one of the "joys" i get to experience over the next 9 months, since i have NO choice but to work 40 hours a week and i don't even have frigging health insurance. what if this doesn't go away? what if it gets worse? what if it affects my labor and birth? what if i'm SUCH a wimp for pain that i cave in and transfer to a hospital for an epidural? what if i risk out of my homebirth?

I took a warm bath, 2 Tylenol, laid in my too-soft bed with an ice-pack and my TENS unit for a couple of hours, but nothing was working. Couldn't move even the tiniest little bit. I can't even describe how painful it was. Here I thought my worst pain ever was either my endometriosis cramps, or an old back injury that turned out to be "nothing," in spite of a litany of tests and physical therapy. This probably ranks up there with broken bones for sheer earth-shattering agony. (You know that sharp, intense, acid-in-the-veins, full-body shudder, blackout-inducing pain? that.) Something is WRONG in there. I was desperate by mid-morning, so I made an appointment to see a chiropractor. Of course, by the time I got into the exam room, i was feeling about 50% better (go fig), but I went ahead and got the adjustment anyway. I felt fine for about half an hour, and then I started to wonder if the chiropractor did more harm than good.

So over the weekend I discovered that the only places I could be that didn't KILL were: standing and rocking back and forth; sitting in one of my hard, straight-backed dining room chairs; kneeling with my shoulders down and butt in the air; or flat on my back on the floor. All of which get very old VERY quickly.

oh, PLUS! we had an appointment to meet with the 2nd midwife on Saturday morning, and she's 50 miles away. Let me tell you, that car ride was not fun. >:(

fast-forward to today. I'm wiped out because I haven't slept well for 2 nights in a row. John literally has to pick me up out of bed in the mornings (no easy task because I'm a big lady. luckily he's strong as an ox). HOT shower to loosen me up, endless pacing and walking throughout the apartment while I get ready (because standing and moving are the least painful right now), wondering if this is EVER going to end. I went back to the chiropractor this morning. it felt nice but I honestly think I'd get more out of a massage therapist and it wouldn't have cost me 80 dollars (80 dollars that I don't have). is it ever going to end? It's only been 3 days, but I am utterly discouraged and feel so hopeless that the rest of my pregnancy is going to SUCK, that I'll be unable to care for an infant when I can barely take care of myself, that I can't even take effective pain killers or have an x-ray or get medical treatment (assuming i do have a bulging disc or need some kind of surgery... back trauma runs in my family) because 1-- i'm pregnant, and 2-- i have no health insurance. what am i supposed to do? i'm beside myself. :(

it was a LONG weekend. just had to complain. had a fun story to share but it's really not the time. I need to get up and walk around some more. this chair is murdering me.


Thursday, March 5, 2009 (9w6d):
Coming up on 10 weeks tomorrow. How is this possible? Who am I?

I was telling John this morning that I'm still not sure if it's real. In fact, I'm half convinced that if it's not over already, it will be very soon. I'm usually surprised when I go to the bathroom and see nothing on the tissue. I refuse to consider this "official" until I hear a heartbeat. I'm not attached to anyone or anything in there (even though I'm warming up to the idea.) I don't "feel" as pregnant as I did a week ago. My morning sickness has backed off considerably, my boobs aren't really all that sore (just sensitive, especially to cold), and I'm pretty sure that my tiredness is only due to the lack of sleep from my back pain. What if the pregnancy isn't acutally viable and I just haven't "passed" it yet? I know that sounds irrational, but I also know that sort of thing happens all the time; I always hear stories of women who went in for their 10-12 week ultrasound and they discovered then and there that the baby had died at like 6-7 weeks and they needed a D&C to get it out.
gah. look at what my miscarriages have done to me. i hate them. >:(

so.... my BACK. i freaking HATE. MY. BACK. Sleeping is miserable. I can never get into a decent position that doesn't kill me, and if i do end up finding some magical, comfortable position, the comfort (read: relative absence of torturous misery) lasts for about an hour and i'm either paralyzed or in screaming pain again. Our bed is worthless. The other day, we discovered our bed frame was broken. It was causing major saggage, so we threw it out and now our box springs are on the floor. and up 'til now, I never realized what a CHEAP piece of crap our mattress is. It conspires to murder me in my sleep. We've tried everything to make it bearable for me, but it is horrid. I've taken to sleeping on the floor. John is so upset about that; he became very sad when I said I'd have to start setting up camp in the living room. He doesn't want to be separated. He also thinks it's pathetically sad that a pregnant woman should have to sleep on the floor. And it IS sad, but not as sad as my sobbing in pain every morning because I can't even move my LEGS to go to the bathroom. John literally has to lift me up to turn me over and get me out of bed in the mornings (he also helps me onto and off of the toilet and into the shower). And I'm no featherweight. One more bonus of being married to a hunky teddy bear of a man. :)

I've been going to the chiropractor every other day, and usually i feel pretty good by the end of the day (Monday night I even thought I was cured! ...then I had to go to bed. booooo), especially if i manage to stand up and walk around a lot, and i THINK the chiro is helping, but in all honesty i don't see this going away or getting better any time soon. I'm so afraid that I'm stuck with this for the long haul. i'm so discouraged. At a couple of points it was SO bad that I found myself wishing the pregnancy would end so that I could have back surgery or take good painkillers. Yes, I know how pathetic that sounds, but... the PAIN. :( So that's that.

I think I've decided on a midwife. I should be happy, right? But I feel so guilty about teling the other midwife that we didn't choose her. I don't know how to do that. I'm procrastinating telling either of them because I don't know what to say. I'm nervous and embarrassed. :( John is flying out to California to hang out with his dad for Spring Break next week. They've been planning it for months, and even though it's not the most convenient timing, I'm cool with it. (Just scared about being crippled with no big strong man to rescue me.) The following week, John's sister and her fiance are coming to visit us, AND my folks will be visiting from Nebraska. John's dying to tell his dad about Bean, which I think deserves to be announced in person, so it's fine with me (first grandchild in John's family). I'm still not ready to tell my family. We have 2 birthdays to celebrate when my parents are in town and I'm not going to steal anyone's thunder. Especially my baby niece who turns TWELVE in 2 weeks! 12!!!!! holy cow. x_x

I just don't want to tell people until it's official. Gotta hear that heartbeat in there. That means at least 2 more weeks, for my comfort level. 3 weeks until i'm actually cool with it. i'm in no rush. if this pregnancy is going to stick, it's going to take FOREVER, so what's another week or two?

K, gotta stand up and stroll. My back is stiffening up again and starting to scream at me.
It's snowing here today, btw. boooooo.


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