Flash back

I stole this idea from Bethani's blog. It's a great time of year to take stock of how far you've come in life, acknowledge where you've been and where you're going, and express gratitude for the little things (particularly if they seem insignificant at the time).

20 years ago: I had just turned 14 and I was recovering from pneumonia. I must have lost about 15 lbs. Maybe more. I remember being able to (barely) fit into my sister Tricia's gorgeous blue dress, which I'd coveted for almost a year. This was quite a feat since I'm an enormous human being next to my sisters. If I could squeeze my ample curves into that dress, I was quite sure that boys would look at me the way they looked at my sister. (They didn't.) I remember wearing the dress to church and feeling beautiful for one of the very few moments in my life. (I can only think of a handful of occasions when I've felt this way. My wedding day ranks #1.)
I'd also recently missed about 3 weeks of school, which set me back considerably in my "advanced" Math and English classes. I never caught up. It was devastating. I felt like such a failure. Subsequent school years would see me in the "regular" classes (not that there's anything wrong with that), with much less enthusiasm for learning and/or succeeding (plenty wrong with that). Thus began the slacker years.
I'm grateful that: I didn't die from pneumonia. I still managed to graduate from high school. I eventually managed to attract a mate who loves my "ample curves."

10 years ago: I'm having a really hard time remembering much about this time in my life. Probably because there's nothing too memorable about being an anti-social fat girl. I spent a lot of time in bed, feeling sorry for myself. This could have been around the time that I had my heart broken by "he who shall not be named." I think. I've blocked it from memory. Let's move on.
I'm grateful that: I didn't kill myself.

5 years ago: My little sister was returning from her LDS mission in California, and my siblings and I planned a road trip out to our parents' house in Nebraska to surprise her. John and I had been dating for about 3 months at this point, and even though we were "serious," we hadn't had the "M Word" discussion yet. We did, however, spend every waking moment together, and the thought of being apart for a few days while I went to Nebraska was unbearable. So I brought him with me. My family was less than pleased.
I'm grateful that: My family has since accepted (I believe) that John and I are perfectly matched. And they love him, too.

3 years ago: John and I were living in a "considerably ghetto" apartment in Orem, upstairs from our crack-whore neighbor and her bevy of abusive, drunken boyfriends. I frequently wonder why we never called the cops on them. (Fear of retaliation, probably.) There was constant partying, fighting, screaming, cursing, slamming of doors, and heaven only knows what else going on down there. Eventually they moved out, which was the BEST DAY EVER. One night ("dark and stormy" as luck would have it) while John was at work, I was on the brink of sleep when I noticed colored flashing lights outside the window, and I heard a voice over a loud-speaker. It was very windy outside and the sound kept breaking up, but I could make out the words "fugitive," "remain in your residence," and "canine unit." I swear I could hear someone moving around in the vacant apartment downstairs. I knew for sure that if I even took so much as a deep breath, I would be murdered in my bed. Scariest. Moment. Ever.
I'm grateful that: We live in Logan now, even though we share a wall with equally noisy neighbors (of a different variety, however. Three little boys under the age of 6 + one short-tempered mother = screaming and chaos all the livelong day). BUT! Logan is 1,000,000,000,000,000 times better than Orem (which, let's face it, rhymes with "Bore 'Em" for a reason). We have found our happy place.

1 year ago: I was recovering from my 3rd miscarriage, half-resigned to die childless, half-resigned to become a walking science experiment until I finally get it right. Depending on the day. I call it my "furiously optimistic" phase. Some days I still feel like I should just give up. Most days I crave motherhood so desperately, it physically hurts me.
I'm grateful that: At least I know I can get pregnant. Some people aren't even that lucky. Our intense longing for children just proves that we'll be awesome parents. I know it. And we still have time.

Yesterday: I worked. John went to class. I froze my tushie off in my cold office. Then I avoided work. Then I felt guilty about avoiding work. Then I was distracted from my guilt by the sweet call of "Tha Interwebs." Then I read a lot of blogs. I learned about postpartum depression. (I still want babies.) Went home, made dinner, ate dinner, put away laundry, watched TV ("Big Bang Theory" and "Heroes"), froze my tushie off in our cold house, had a "sugar free spiced hot cider drink" (lol) and shared some popcorn with John. Went to bed and lulled myself to sleep (lol again) with a mental list of everything I need to do to be ready for Thanksgiving this week. Oh, the anxiety. (Even now, I'm exhausted just thinking about it. Ugh.)
I'm grateful that: I have a job (indoors!) and John has the opporunity to get a college education.

Today: Froze my tushie off in a cold conference room during a staff meeting. Luckily for me, I was the only one who wore a coat. (Take that!) Unluckily for me, I was sitting under the A/C fan. (Who blasts the A/C when it's 40 degrees outside?! In a rarely-used conference room?! After armloads of layoffs in our facility and "no yearly bonus" memos, falling stock prices, and national economic downturn?! yeesh.) Tried to learn a new program and resisted the urge to throw my computer out the window (I'm not so much with the tech smarts). Went to lunch with John (carne asada taco with fresh guac and pico, drenched in lime juice with extra salt on top. HEAVEN). Talked to John about deep philosophical stuff. Family, babies, politics, future. The usual. Worked some more. Drank a bunch of Crystal Light. Ate a doughnut ("D'oh!"). Felt queasy for about 2 hours. Played around on my blog. Made this list.
I'm grateful that: I can talk to my husband about anything and he still loves me. And he gets me, both of which I understand are very difficult things to do.
p.s. he takes me to lunch every Tuesday and it's the BEST part of my work-week. :) :) :)

Later tonight: Will put away laundry, vacuum, dust, and other assorted tidying in preparation for Thursday.
I'm grateful that: I have a nice home, and family members who actually want to spend holidays with me and eat my food.

Tomorrow: Office and housework. Oil change for my little old Geo Prizm. Last minute pre-Thanksgiving shopping and prep.
I'm grateful that: I get a brand new day with no mistakes in it. AND! My car isn't dead yet. (As of this morning it has 99,901 miles on it. Not too shabby for a '95.)

This year (2009) I hope to:
1. Get pregnant. For real. Or, if I manage to get pregnant this month or next (2008), I hope to stay pregnant into next year and have a full, healthy pregnancy. And a baby. :)
2. Finish my doula and CBE certification (I've been saying that for 2 years. Easier said than done. Work is SLOW and I've hit a bit of a slump. I don't know if it's burn-out, self-pity or a social anxiety relapse, but I'm having a lot of trouble wanting to do anything birthy right now).
I'm grateful that: I finally know what I want in my life. Neither of these goals is unrealistic; they are also flexible and allow for many learning experiences and opportunities for personal growth.