Not gonna do it.

I know this post is going to alienate (and possibly offend) some of my sweetest and most charming friends, but I have to get something out of my system.


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I have absolutely NO desire to read the "Twilight" novels OR to see the "Twilight" film. Ever.

Bah!

There, I've said it. I feel so much better.

I'm terribly sorry, but fantasy/vampire/romance novels are just not my bag. Terribly, terribly sorry.

I really have tried to make an effort to form an interest. The "Twilight" novels and their ensuing industry are all the rage around here. A BIG DEAL. "Harry Potter duels Anakin Skywalker in the Bowels of Mordor" big. Anything that creates this much buzz must be worth at least looking into, right? Not to mention, it comes hugely recommended by some people I hold in very high esteem. (I like the heck outta you, and this doesn't change that. Just want you to know.)

I did some web crawlin' today to read up on the "Twilight" phenomenon, to find out what makes it tick, gather what all the fuss is about and determine if maybe--somehow, in some way--this particular franchise might be something I could get on board with. I wanted to be In The "Twilight" Loop. A Cool Kid. One of the Gals, Fun at Parties, and whatnot.

So.... yeah, that's a "No" from me, but you go right on ahead, thanks.

Don't get me wrong, I feel no disdain for--nor intend any disrespect to--fans of "Twilight." They can like whatever they like. It hurts no one, and I have no doubt that it's great fun for them. I can understand why it's appealing. (Fantasy! Vampires! Romance!) I like nerdy stuff too! And I might (might!) have been on board with watching the movie (not at full price, granted) in lieu of reading the book (Cliffs-Notes style), so long as I could be assured that the book and the movie were nigh unto one and the same.

Based solely on what I've seen in advertisements and news stories, the junior-art-college-grade "special effects" are a mild turn-off. The story-line? I'm sure it goes much deeper than what's revealed in the previews. The acting and dialogue? Cringe-worthy. But I've sat through much worse in my lifetime, and I'm sure I could get past that. An advertisement should entice and seduce you, though. Right? Make you want to spend your money to get the full experience? Well kids, I'm not buying it. Where's the appeal? (I guess I'm not really the target audience, after all.)

And (again, I apologize, but...) Sweet Freaky Friday, Batman. The main vampire-actor-dude in that movie is so ferociously hideous to me ("exquisitely ugly," to quote a friend of a friend) that he makes me throw up in my mouth a little. I mean it. My skin crawls at the very sight of him. In fact, I looked at a picture of him just now, and... I'm pretty sure it gave me V.D.

The only other "celebrity" (I use this term loosely, and only as a definition of "someone who inexplicably makes money for something you've probably seen and/or heard of") that produces a similar level of repulsion in me is Rob Thomas of Matchbox 20 (a.k.a. "Walking Crotch Rot"). Seriously. I'll be driving down the road with the radio on and suddenly I feel like there's an ant colony crawling out of my armpits. Then I'll shout, "What the (expletive) is this (expletive) (expletive)?!" [loosely translated: "what the Frenchtoast is this steaming pile of yak-barf-encrusted maggot-meat doing on my radio?"] and John will reach over to change the station and say, "That was Rob Thomas."
To which I'll respond, whilst choking back my own vomit, "You mean, Walking Crotch Rot." Then I'll shudder violently for about 12 minutes, although we both know I'll be okay after a scalding shower and a gallon of Lysol.


But I digress.


Please, please, please don't make me watch the ugly-vampire movie. :(
Maybe someday I'll submit to reading the book, because I love my friends and relations SO MUCH, but I refuse to watch the movie. And let that be an end to it. END TO IT!

....all better. :)